Sometimes Things Feel Awkward
... like winning.
I have a complicated relationship with attention. On one hand - LOVE IT. Have I been up on the bar, making some bartender’s life an absolute hell, getting down to Usher’s hot hits from 2004? 1000%. On the other hand - recognition for something that really matters to me? Grimace emoji. 😬
To wit: in peak 2008-2010ish online fashion, I once wrote a tumblr post about burning books while in a weird Christian evangelical cult. It got some attention, and Roger Ebert (yes that Roger Ebert) tweeted it. Suddenly, people were paying attention to my tumblr, which was peacefully existing with, like, 18 followers, and things quickly got uncomfortable. I felt pressure to write more meaningful posts, and I quickly realized that wasn’t really what I wanted. I needed to exist in a safe little cocoon of obscurity and figure out who I was without feeling like the seemingly collective eyeballs of the entire internet were staring at me. I deactivated and deleted my whole tumblr within days, and it was forever lost into the cyber ether. I have not a single regret about this.
Sixteen years is a lot of time to grow and work through stuff. I realized I wanted to put my energy and focus into art and photography, creating images that matter to me and maybe writing about the process here and there. I became comfortable sharing parts of myself (that’s really what art is, isn’t it?), first in a very safe, encouraging online photography community called Offbeat, then by putting together my own website and newsletter and even occasionally posting on Instagram. It all started feeling less invasive and more fun, which is one of my primary motivators for doing anything.
So here we are, March 2024. I’ve spent the last year working to get eyeballs on my art, specifically the Ephemerality series. It’s been a process of learning about exhibitions, contests, and exposure. I applied for everything I could find, which means there were many no’s, which didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. Then came the yes’s. Specifically, winning Exposure’s Emerging Photographer of the Year, which involves presenting my very first solo show next year, and subsequently finding out I am one of Leica’s four awardees of their annual Women Foto Project Award. Both awards feel very significant, and although I’m certainly lightyears away from deleting my entire online footprint, I’ve struggled with how to talk about them. I’m acutely aware that many photographers and artists dream of these kinds of prizes and this level of exposure. There seems to be a strange liminal space between inviting others to celebrate with me and being a braggart. The thought that other people might feel sad or jealous or angry when I talk about the awards makes me very uncomfortable. I love being proud of what I’ve achieved, but I intensely dislike feeling weirdness about it around others. I wouldn’t say I’m the world’s most sensitive empath, far from it (and those who know me well would roll their eyes at the very fact that I just typed those words), but I feel like I’ve become super-sensitized to how people react to my news. Again, not a fan of (waves hands indistinctly about) all this.
With those thoughts in the open, and within that context, let me counter with this: I’m super fucking pumped. This is an incredible opportunity. I feel ready for it, and I just want to get to work creating the ideas that have been marinating in my brain. Have I had moments of panic that I’m peaking too early in my photography career, that I put out a great debut, but my sophomore attempt will fall flatter than U2’s “October”? Absolutely. But as someone close to me said, “You can’t peak too early at 46. You’re too old.” They’re right; all that life experience and knowledge I instinctively knew I needed when I was thirty is now intrinsically linked to how and what I create. I plan on running with these wins and with my work as hard and as far as I can. In the parlance of my childhood upbringing, It’s time to give ‘er. No regrets.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Thank you for being here and for your support and encouragement and for your attention. I promise I won’t squander it. Chances are high I may embarrass myself occasionally, but I will never purposely waste your time. If you have any questions or messages about my work or what I write feel free to message or comment; I will get back to you.
You’ve worked hard to accomplish this much so early in your young 46 years! Be proud. Never be small in this space. I agree with Dana, we are the worst at accepting praise even when it’s absolutely earned and warranted. To know you is to celebrate alongside you! Super excited for you and your second “album” (think Oops!… I Did It Again, or 21, or Nevermind, or Siamese Dream, or any other sophomores that outperformed their debuts!).
Stasia, never, ever think that accepting praise for your many wonderful accomplishments is anything but the perfectly awesome thing to do. You exude gratitude in all of your on-line presence, as I'm sure you do in your "out in the real world" self too. We humans are so quick to give thanks to others but are shit at accepting those same types of thanks or kudos. Break the cycle, dear girl! Embrace the journey and yell to everyone within earshot, I DID IT!! Congratulations on all your "wins!"